A Songbird in the Winter

I spent New Year’s Eve sobbing in my bed. My heart breaking for the second time in a little over a year. God had not answered my prayer the way I had hoped He would. After months of bringing this petition before Him, I finally received His clear answer.

And I felt betrayed.

I felt rejected.

I felt punished.

When I turned 21, I made a vow to God: I would submit all big decisions to Him and would not act until He spoke His will. I have kept this vow, even though so much of myself wars against it. The keeping of this vow has actually become so ingrained in me that I don’t know if I would be able to deviate from it at this point.


 Breaking this vow would almost be a denying of myself. And it is a painful realization because there has been so much heartache around the keeping of it. New Year’s Eve is just the most recent.

I debated quite a while in whether I should write this post. Because the emotions are still quite raw.


Just typing this causes a tightness in my throat and an ache in my heart.


But sometimes I think in these vulnerable, exposed moments come the purest forms of truth & connection. And who knows. Maybe there is someone out there who is experiencing similar bitter disappointment that could find some comfort in these words.

So this is me, choosing to step outside of my protective glass because I believe there needs to be more honest conversation about what faith looks like – especially in the waiting.

Recently, I gave a sermon all about waiting as an essential piece of the Christian identity. It was a hard message to deliver but I felt God calling me to share it anyway. Honestly, I felt the sermon was more for me than anyone else. When I shared this thought with a close friend, he said “those often are the best ones.” So, in faith, I researched & swallowed through the painful truths I typed.

As I was researching, I came across several soul-impacting thoughts.


First, the idea that God intentionally makes His children wait. He leads His people to periods of waiting. Abraham waited 25 years before the promise of a son was fulfilled. Joseph waiting 13 years before his vision was realized. Moses waited 40 years before his longing to play a vital role in the freedom of his people came to fruition. Twenty years passed between David’s anointing and coronation over Israel & Judah. And then there’s Jesus. He hung on that cross, overwhelmed by the oppressive silence from heaven. As Ann Swindell writes in Still Waiting, “[Jesus] knows what it is to wait for God to come through – and to die in the waiting” (p. 17).

Why is waiting so essential to the Christian walk? Motivated to find some answers, I searched through several books and I came upon this quote:

“Christians are people who wait. We live in liminal time, in the already and not yet. Christ has come, and He will come again. We dwell in the meantime. We wait … the true state of (the) whole human existence – on the way, already but not yet, living as a creature in the in-between, waiting.”

(Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren, p. 104-105)

This leads to the second thought. Waiting is integral to our identity as Christ believers. We exist in this reality of “not yet.” But this state of waiting is meant to be active and purposeful. Philippians 1:6 writes that God will complete the good work He has started in us which means God is intentional in every moment – working in our lives according to His purpose.

I found several ways waiting is essential:

   1. In this waiting, God is refining & drawing us closer in relationship with Him (Zechariah 13:9). Like any relationship, building a stronger connection with God and knowledge of Him takes time.

   2.  In this state of waiting, we are reminded of our origin and our hope. Our present reality is not our destiny. We are God’s children, created for perfection and so this place we are temporary living in is not our home. We long for better. Romans 8:19 expresses the whole world is “eagerly waiting.” In Hebrews 11, Paul writes about the faith giants and said:

“These all died in faith, although they had not received the things that were promised. But they saw them from a distance, greeted them, and confessed that they were foreigners and temporary residents on earth… if they were thinking about where they came from, they would have had an opportunity to return. But they now desire a better place – a heavenly one. Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them” (Hebrews 11:13, 15-16).

In reading this passage, I realized true surrender is directly connected to waiting. Faith & trust in God’s character is directly connected to waiting. And in that faithful, trusting surrender, we are drawn to God’s heart.

   3. While waiting, we are called to grow in our knowledge of God so our characters are developed and we become the people we are meant to be (2 Peter 1:3-8). I have come to understand that true, long lasting growth takes time. It happens slowly and the growth can be so infinitesimal, we can discount it as being any real change. The more growth we seek in our lives, the more time we need to be willing to dedicate to it.

 

I felt God reminding me of all this while I cried and felt the pain of another heartbreak. 

Waiting is so hard, I wailed to Him. I’m not strong enough. I can’t keep going. You have to give me something to rekindle this hope. Please. I have nothing left.

A few days later, God led me to Isaiah 26:3-4:

“You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You. Trust in the LORD forever, because in the LORD, the LORD Himself, is an everlasting Rock.”

As I re-read this passage I have read countless times before, I heard God whisper in my heart: this vow I made to him so many years ago placed my mind in a dependent position. Then God reminded me that Him being the “everlasting Rock” means that He alone is my protection, peace and joy.

Then I read Isaiah 25:9:

“On that day it will be said, ‘Look this is our God; we have waited for Him and He has saved us. This is the LORD; we have waited for Him. Let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation.”

Lamentations 3:25-26 then popped into my mind:

“The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD.”

It felt like I was on the brink of a breakthrough.

Do trust and waiting go hand in hand?

Is a part of trusting the act of waiting?

Then I came across a psalm of David:

“I am certain that I will see the LORD’s goodness in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Wait for the LORD.”

(Psalm 27:13-14)

Waiting takes strength and courage. It's the backbone of faith. We speak our faith and we back it up with the waiting until we see God come through to validate our declaration that we will see His goodness. 

* * *

Seasons by Hillsong became my anthem from the day I first heard it over a year ago. I replayed it recently and the chorus still brings an ache in my chest:

I know

Though the winter is long even richer

The harvest it brings

Though my waiting prolongs even greater

Your promise for me like a seed

I believe that my season will come

* * *

As I’m finishing up this post, I can’t say that I finally know why I have waited this long and yet still the answer is wait. I wrestle with the doubt that God cares about this desire in my heart. 

But, I’m coming to understand that sometimes faith is just being still in the pain; climbing up into the Father’s lap & burying my head in His chest. Allowing myself to feel and feeling it all in His presence with His arms holding me close. And in the midst of all the feeling, knowing with utmost certainty that I’m not leaving His arms.

* * *

On New Year’s Day, I woke up with a heavy heart and tired eyes from all the crying the night before. I asked God to speak into this. 

I just wanted to know He was with me. 

I looked out my window and saw all the freshly fallen snow on the ground. I sighed as I thought about being in the winter season (literally & spiritually). Then I saw it. 

In order to fully understand the impact of that sight, though, I have to explain what happened six years ago. I was in a place of heaviness back then, too, and I longed to draw closer to the heart of God. One cold day in the fall, I asked Him what His nickname for me was. I sat on a grassy hill surrounded by mountains and listening to the wind. After several long moments, He whispered songbird.

Fast forward to New Year’s Day, 2019. I see something outside my kitchen window I have never seen before:

Perched on the barren tree in my backyard were a group of songbirds. 

Tears streamed down my face as I realized that God answered the cry of my heart.


He sees me.

He loves me.

He cares.


He spoke tenderly to me in using His nickname for me. It was both a message of His love for me and also an invitation to remain true to myself in this season of waiting. True to the songbird He created me to be.

* * *

“God is telling us to lay aside our fear and trust Him. Trust His love. Trust the goodness of His heart… There is a song written on your heart and you must sing it. The world is waiting, needing what it is you have to offer. You must live the life you were born to live.”

-          Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge (p. 225)

* * *

I will keep singing my song. 

I will trust the heart of God. 

I will worship in the waiting; A songbird in the winter.